I love the women of the world. I like to think of them each as a delicate flower of uniqueness. However, as is the case of any delicate, unique flower, there are probably thousands of other flowers that have a similar look, scent, personality and same crazy tendencies when intoxicated (if flowers got wasted with their flower friends on weekends while sitting their looking pretty). I try to never break anybody down into stereotypes, but after years of female interaction I’ve found that some personalities are rather categorical. So to the girl’s reading this, I’m not saying you necessarily fit into any of these categories specifically, but I’d be willing to bet you can put a face on each one through your own experience.
Lil Miss smitten
This girl isn’t single, and she will let you know it as soon as she can. If the topic of relationship status doesn’t come up within the first five minutes of talking with her, she will manage to drop a line about how whatever you’re saying reminds her of something she did with her boyfriend recently. This girl also tends to feel as though any conversation a man begins with her is flirting, and will assume you are hitting on her, and if by chance you are, she will drop “just so you know I have a boyfriend” even before you can grab the bartender’s attention, and probably be showing you pictures of him on her phone by the time the drink actually comes.
What you can expect hear:
“So I was at the movies with Mark this past weekend… that’s my boyfriend, and he put his coat down so I wouldn’t get my new Gucci boots dirty, you know the ones he got me for Christmas? God my boyfriend is so sweet, I love my boyfriend! You’ve met my boyfriend haven’t you? His name is Mark… he’s my boyfriend”
Her profile picture:
A perfectly crafted sepia-tinted photo of her and the BF making out on the beach as the sun falls behind the ocean so perfectly in the background. Although it appears to be a capture of the most beautiful moment in her life, it was actually the product of an hour-long photo shoot that required an estimated 558 photos to be taken to get it right. She may or may not have photo-shopped the words “true love” over the photo in pink cursive.
Nothing lasts forever, and although she will usually be engaged in this relationship as long as she possibly can hold on to it, eventually Lil Miss Smitten will be single again. This will usually be marked by a period where she calls all her best gal friends and tells them how much they need to catch up and hit the bars, the same friends that she conveniently lost touch with for the past year and a half. Her friends should beware however, these nights will probably feature 98% conversing about how heartbroken she is and how lonely her life is now, in between intervals of dancing wildly to whichever Lady Gaga song is playing on the juke box. This phase will last a month or two before she finds another soul mate to devote her life to.
Lil Miss Party Girl
If you ever want to get a rager going, she should be the first person you hit up. A bottle of alcohol, an iPod and a group of eyes to give her attention is all this girl needs to get a party going. Lil Miss Party Girl prides herself more on her drinking ability than her own self worth. Her reaction to a layout of shots is comparable to an 8-year old receiving a hovercraft on Christmas morning.
Drinking herself into an oblivion becomes a nightly routine, where she begins and where she ends up varies, but the brief moments of sober living in between partying are usually accompanied by heavy mood swings that result from hidden depression that will soon be covered once again with heavy doses of Jagermeister and Tequila.
There are two breeds of this girl: The girl who constantly denies that she has yet reached the level of intoxication “I’m sotally tober, what are you talking about??” And the girl who feels the need to announce her intoxication level every 15 minutes or so, often times in a high pitched scream. The savvy ones are able to find work that doesn’t interfere with her party lifestyle; jobs such as club promoter, cocktail server or cage dancer allow her to make a living without ever fully sobering up.
What you can expect to hear:
“Let’s take a shot!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Her profile picture:
A sexy shot of her dancing on a bar snapped from one of those professional club photographer websites, her ability to achieve such an erotic pose and eye the camera so seductively in the midst of such a wild moment is an art that she has crafted to perfection over the years.
Many people might immediately write this girl off as a party slut, but actually she usually isn’t even thinking about hooking up, she’s more there for the dancing and the drinking, it can be a very confusing situation for the guys who are there for the very opposite reason. But she knows how to have a good time, and is always a good party guest so don’t lose that number.
Lil Miss Church Girl
She’s the good girl, the one you want to bring home and meet the fam… until you realize your version of ‘family life’ horrifies her due to the stark contrast to her ‘perfect’ home life. She claims that everything is equal, and we are made our own way, claiming that nobody should ever judge. This despite the fact that she judges everything you say and do, citing bible verses to explain your impurities. She turns to biblical references for answers, which help her in long-term goals but have a little less assistance in determining day-to-day decisions, such as which fluorescent dress to dawn today.
What you can expect to hear:
“I don’t believe in that”
Her profile picture:
The professionally taken family photo that also happened to be the family Christmas card.
If you want to get anywhere with this girl you better be willing to settle down for a while. You’ll be lucky to get to first base by date three, you won’t be seeing second base for a few months of intense commitment, and you better be willing to put a rock on her finger if you’re planning on crossing home plate… and yes, she will refer to the base system every time she slaps your hand away.
Lil Miss Evanescent
This is an unusual type, and you would never assume anybody would be her upon first meeting. She’s a very cool personality, there is definitely an intriguing uniqueness to her. She has a very fascinating life story, a mysterious one where if you asked the right questions might stumble upon something incredible.
The problem with her is as a soon as you think you’ve figured her out- she’s gone. She disappears without a trace, her number is now dis-connected, her Facebook account has been deleted, and any profile that had previously detailed her life now only informs her name and sex. At first you miss her, saddened by her disappearance, but eventually she escapes from your mind. Then, much later, as quickly as she vanished, she appears again. With a new look and a crazy story to tell of her whereabouts. “I went to Canada and became a nurse,” “I moved to Vermont and got engaged but ran away from the wedding,” “I lived in Russia for a year doing _______ (anything at that point qualifies as a crazy story).”
What you can expect to hear:
“I’m leaving”
Her profile picture:
A faceless default sillouhette
Lil Miss Evanescent has an underlying beauty to her, you just know if she settled down she’d be an amazing person to be with, but her greatest fear is commitment so she won’t settle down and it keeps you guessing… just how she likes it.
Lil Miss Emo Heart
This girl is a unique bird to say the least… at least she’ll think that. She can be found most often in her dark velvet-laced bedroom, where she spends the majority of time writing poetry and video logging about how the world around her doesn’t understand.
She will dis-miss the other girls around her as superficial wannabes who waste the majority of time over-glamorizing themselves with expensive makeup and trendy wardrobe. This, despite the fact that it takes her an hour and a half each morning getting her face powder and mascara the same shade as the fog over the moonlight.
She is, for the most part, an intelligent girl. Unfortunately, she uses her intelligence to try to break down the people around her rather than better herself, this is commonly done through versing an Edgar Allan Poe excerpt.
What you can expect to hear:
“What’s the point, we’re all slowly dying anyways.”
Her profile picture:
A self-photographed black and white shot in which she’s looking away with various crosses poetic statements and dead roses added to the mix somehow.
This girl is almost always going through a phase, although she won’t admit it until it’s over.
Lil Miss Sorority
Our final female is a girl you’re bound to run into at least once or twice if you spend enough time around a college campus. Miss Sorority is in the prime years of her college life, she loves the fun that’s around her and loves her sorority sisters even more. Nowhere is this more evident than on her Facebook and MySpace pages. On there, an endless array of photo albums that displays of sorority retreats, girls night outs and recruitment photos can be found.
This is another girl that loves to party. She loves to dance and dress up, many times as a team with her girls. She’s the girl who pulls out the camera everytime a group shot is about to be taken. She’s also the girl who will take 19 pictures of you and her just to make sure she gets the perfect one. She will stand up for her sisters…. whether their assistance was asked for or not. She doesn’t have a problem pulling a girl away from a fun situation in the name of sisterhood… and perhaps jealousy. She will assertively declare her house’s longstanding traditions, even if she tends not to follow them herself.
She is generally around the age of 18-21, probably somewhere in her first couple years of college. After the novelty of the sorority social life begins to fade, the parties have been done, the faces have changed, and the fraternity guys seem to be more interested with the cute little new girls that are now the gung-ho sorority girl that she used to be, she begins to take on a different persona. Either she moves on from the sorority life all together, or she becomes a strict exec member who is far too concerned with greek drama for her own good.
What you can expect to hear:
“I love my sisters!!! <3<3<3″
Her Profile picture:
A group photo of her and her sisters smiling great big smiles embracing each other tightly while displaying their sorority’s hand signal. Or perhaps a shot of the sorority as a whole, depending if it’s recruitment time. These girls are all beautiful in their own way, and some might say annoying in their own way.
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